Boardroom news

Drinks cabinet

Eyebrows were raised at last month’s OftW Zoomed Board meeting when Colin Wight, Chair and CEO, announced that he had spent 115% of the annual equipment budget on a plectrum.

“It’s not your run-of-the-mill sort of pick,” said Mr Wight. “It’s made from Jimi Hendrix’s ground-up metacarpals infused with Gibeon meteorite and bonded with pyramid-cured crystals that channels Jimi’s muscle memory into your own”.

“First you’ll have to find a muscle,” mused Lady Joanna Jingly-Smith, a remark which the Chair considered disrespectful.

“It will be a great investment, believe me,” blustered Mr Wight. Drinks were served.


Eyebrows were raised at last week’s OftW Zoomed Board when Bernard Hanaway announced that he had spent £420% of the annual investment budget on buying the rights to the back catalogue of the cult band’s cult band’s cult band’s cult band Nonchalant Sphincter. Often referred to – if at all – as the Purgative Proggers from Pangbourne, they are chiefly known, by hardly anyone, for playing their version of Tales From Topographic Oceans entirely on traditional RAF marimbas.

“So what exactly have you acquired?” was the not unreasonable question from a sceptical Board. It transpired that Nonchalant Sphincter recorded a concept album called Looking up God’s Nostril, which, sadly, was never released. 

“We could do our own version,” suggested Mr Hanaway, “using traditional Royal Navy vibraslaps”. Drinks were served.


No eyebrows were raised at yesterday’s Zoomed OftW Board meeting after it had, in an attempt to look a few months younger, voted to spend 3750% of the annual well-being budget on botox. It was not judged to be a success.

There is nothing left in the drinks budget.

Published by oftweditor

Plays the guitar a bit

2 thoughts on “Boardroom news

  1. I’m still just doing a jigsaw after a few glasses of Rioja… I wish I understood what important corporate things were going on?
    It does sound hugely impressive, I must say! X

    Liked by 1 person

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